In the next several blogs, we’ll be exploring your question topics in more depth, and sharing research-backed ways to address your parenting queries. And remember, we’re always keen to hear from you – share your suggestions for future videos and blogs via our Typeform or message us on Instagram.
First up: a MEplace parent asks, “How can I balance boundaries for my children with being emotionally supportive?”
Big feelings are a normal part of growing up, but children’s brains are still developing, so they can’t always process those emotions just yet. That’s why aggressive behaviours are common in early childhood – you’re not alone.
Let’s dive in.
What do today’s experts say?
With all of the noise nowadays surrounding parenting styles and techniques online, it’s easy to find claims like “you can’t say ‘no’ anymore”. But that’s not the case! Boundaries are important, and they haven’t gone anywhere – but today’s parenting experts emphasise a positive, caring approach which enhances your bond with your child. Make being emotionally supportive part of your approach (we’ll get to how this works in a moment).
Why do we recommend an emotionally supportive, positive approach to behaviour?
Empathetic parenting which sets boundaries and embeds crucial life skills is our north star! It’s not always easy, but taking this approach is more effective in the long run, and supports a healthy, loving, close connection with your little one.
So, how can we help?
One: explore the reasons for challenging behaviour.
- Listen and learn. Listen – really listen – to what your child is expressing with their behaviour. At MEplace, we practise active listening (demonstrating attention, interest and care), repeating back the child’s words or observing their gestures and body language. Remember, when a child displays unwanted behaviours, they are demonstrating an unmet need – so ask them what’s really going on.
- Consider physical and emotional needs. Emotion coaching is the practice of validating feelings and problem-solving together. Think, “It’s okay to feel angry and overwhelmed – what does your body need?” Talk about body cues for feelings such as hunger, tiredness and discomfort. Help your child to name their emotions, too, so that they can address them in challenging times – child psychiatry professor Dr Siegel calls this approach “name it to tame it”.
Two: establish firm boundaries.
- Keep your cool. In challenging times, we – the adults – set the tone. But it’s a lot harder to cope when you’re also feeling overwhelmed, and our children pick up on this. So take a beat. Step away, count to 10, and take some deep breaths to ground yourself. This helps you to react calmly. Then, press pause on any aggression or challenging actions by offering a hug – even though it may be the last thing on your mind in the heat of the moment!
- Practice makes perfect. Children need rules, routine and structure, because they thrive on predictability. So set boundaries, and explain them. Then, stick to what you’ve said! If this is tricky off the top of your head, prepare and practise simple scripts. For example, “We only use gentle hands. If you use your hands to hit, we’ll have to finish playtime so that you can calm down.” We’re not setting rules for the sake of it – our children need to understand why the boundary is in place – e.g. “because hitting hurts people.” Then, talk together about how they can make amends or change their behaviour next time. Model the alternative behaviour, so they know what you expect of them.
Three: always celebrate the positive.
- Use positive reinforcement. Research suggests that a positive approach is far more effective than punishment at reinforcing desired behaviours. Be proactive, and catch them at their best. Make praise specific, with phrases like “Wow, I can see you’re being so gentle with your little sister. Thank you for being kind!” or “I’m so proud of you for listening carefully and holding my hand when we crossed the road. That keeps you safe!”
- Celebrate, don’t bribe. Positive reinforcement is all about celebrating wins, rather than bribing children for good behaviour. Saying something like “If you leave the park now, you’ll get a star on your chart” can actually reinforce the unwanted behaviour next time. Make sure your child understands what’s expected of them, and celebrate together when they’re doing the right thing. Express your gratitude that they’ve been helpful or kind! This offers a sense of pride in themselves for making positive behavioural choices.
So, with some active listening, deep breaths, positive praise and healthy boundaries, you’ll be striking the perfect balance between consistent rules and emotional support.
Next time, we’ll be looking at a highly requested topic, which is at the heart of our MEplace curriculum: mindfulness. Until then, take care, and remember – you’ve got this.
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